I wish I could teleport
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
