apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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