fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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