Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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