Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
