I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
