there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
