Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
