I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
