I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
