I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
