i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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