so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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