Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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