One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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