I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
