i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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