I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
