I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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