I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
