she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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