Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
