It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
