Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
