My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
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i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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