I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
