There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
