Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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