If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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