I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
