when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
