saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
