Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
