my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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