They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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