My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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