So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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