You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
