It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
