I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it