I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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