Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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