is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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