Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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