Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
