Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
