If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
