when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
