My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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