My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
