I think I can smell my own vagina right now
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
