6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
