Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
